Talk:Broly: Legendary Innocence
Review Hi! Because you asked me to, I will be reviewing your story for you. Hope this helps! Pros *I would like to say there are pros in this story, but there are none. Cons *A complete lack of grammatical coherency. Sentences like "Two Saiyan (the dominat race on the planet, after exterminating many tuffles) infants had just been born." are just absolutely impossible to read. You need to work on wording your sentences. *Exactly how alternate is the universe here? Is Frieza no longer going to exterminate everyone? Is everything just completely changed? You need to explain the scenario here more clearly. The problem here is that, by the time Vegeta is 16, Planet Vegeta is long gone. *The idea of King Vegeta sending Kid Vegeta to examine every new baby is just hogwash. C'mon, man, try to make sense! *You are completely unable to stay on topic. You ramble on about how they defeated Tuffles and how Kid Vegeta looked younger than he was, but never develop the plot in any way. *Please try to stay in one tense at all times. You constantly switch tenses. Thanks. *Sending Vegeta and Nappa with Raditz makes absolutely no sense. They're from entirely different social classes and have different power levels. The only reason they were together later was because they were the only ones left. *The stupid over 9,000 reference. It's way too old and has been done way too many times. *Kid Vegeta OOC. Raditz OOC. *King Vegeta stabbing Broly 6 times is just stupid. He's a baby. There's nothing that knifing him is going to do that throwing him into space won't. Why wouldn't King Vegeta just keep Broly anyways, to make sure he didn't survive? The plotline is very illogical. *Broly arriving on Planet Namek by mere coincidence is stupid (as is the idea of him keeping a forcefield up for 3 years) *I like the part where Broly learned to talk despite not being around any other being that talked for 3 years. *Broly OOC. *And he powers up to Super Saiyan for no reason at all. *Broly is way overpowered considering the circumstances. If he's going to take down the main fighter on the planet with no effort at all, you need to lower his power to make it more interesting. *The fights are told with so little detail that it makes them extremely boring to read. *Stupid thing with the namekian giving Broly a "headace" *It'd be nice if you could separate the paragraphs so that the story would be readable. *It's downright idiotic for Broly to just be laying on top of the Dragon Ball for no reason at all. Closing comments: Overall, this fanon sucked. I am normally able to be able to say something nice here, but, well, I can't. Perhaps the closest thing to one is that this isn't as horrible as your other works on here. The horrible grammar, spelling, plot, paragraph separation, and pacing in this fanon just made it horrible overall. I did not like it. Hope this review helps! Rating: E- Nice Job! Nice update dude! EntertainmentFan14 16:00, October 17, 2011 (UTC) Again another awesome update as always. But why is Raditz,Vegeta, and Kakarot so insanely strong at the time? And why is Raditz the King of all Saiyans? What happened to Bardock? And why would Vegeta say to call him King Vegeta 2? It makes more since to call him King Vegeta the second. So his name would be spelled King Vegeta II. Meaning he is the second King Vegeta. That sounds a lot cooler then people calling him King Vegeta 2. Infact people would usually just say King Vegeta or Lord Vegeta. But his title/name on anything should be King Vegeta II. Just my opinion though. EntertainmentFan14 23:59, November 19, 2011 (UTC) Hey dude! When are you gonna update? I'm looking foward to seeing what is gonna happen next! EntertainmentFan14 16:55, December 23, 2011 (UTC) Grammatical Errors Goku484, this story has a lot of grammatical errors that me cringe. If you are in high school or college, by now you should know how words are spelled properly. This type of grammar really ruins the story, making it hard for people to understand and/or comprehend. I seriously suggest you let people edit your work and give you advice on how to write in a more coherent matter. I am not trying to offend you, just trying to give advice how to be more professional in your writing style. Senjuto 14:43, January 13, 2012 (UTC)